Deeply privileged—that’s a how I describe myself at having a single opportunity to interact with a spiritual superstar like Venus Perez (my words, not hers), let alone chronicle the lives of such extraordinary individuals on a regular basis in this column. And deeply privileged—that’s how you will feel as well by the end of this read!
Venus, a 45-year-old Latina who has been HIV positive for over two decades holds among her role models, not surprisingly, her medical team. About the 2nd edition of her sought-after book, “I’m Still Here,” she explained, “The year is 2010. We have come so far yet we are not quite there. Many lives were lost yet many still live. Many know the means of transmission, yet many neglect to follow it. Many of us live the fast life, looking for excitement, for success.”
She continued, “We are constantly searching for that missing part that dwells deep inside, each one of us. For many of us, we are lost, broken, unloved, discriminated, depressed and angry. We are still in denial, shunned by society as lepers were years ago. We are individuals with HIV/AIDS. We are part of the world, and this society. Our lives have meaning, and each one of us can make a difference….”
Venus was swept away at the age of 19 by a 27-year-old man in the greater New York area where she had been born and raised. “What in the world would a nineteen-year-old girl want with a 27 year old man? All I knew was how attentive he was to my needs… Now independent and wanting to be loved, I allowed him into my life at a very vulnerable time… The relationship became intimate, and I never practiced safe sex,” she confided.
She believed at the time, “Nothing will happen to me! I can tell by the way a person looks! Bad things happen to bad people, in bad neighborhoods! I am a good person, in a good neighborhood, knowing good people! I had so many misconceptions. How lost and blind I really was,” she confessed. “My need for love and security was so great that I thought I was untouchable. The relationship was having some difficulty, and my partner became physically abusive. He hit me a few times, stole money from me, lied and cheated, but I loved him.”
After a period of hell, Venus explained, “My friends finally convinced me to stop the madness and abuse. To my surprise, I was out of control. I really did not see that this was not a functional relationship. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think anything was wrong. ‘He has a few problems. Everyone does. I’m unique. I have the patience to have a relationship like this (oh, brother).’”
“After he stole my rent money, I decided that I did not want to lose my apartment and endure further physical abuse. So, I reluctantly broke off my relationship… I was unable, however, to completely stop my feelings for him. I so deeply loved him for reasons I could not understand. I became withdrawn and very depressed. After the breakup, I never heard from or saw him again.”
In 1986 Venus met and began to date a nice guy. On February 14th, 1987, as she explained, “My boyfriend sat me down and handed me a stuffed animal and a card for Valentine’s Day. I was so touched. However, after handing me the gift, he held my hand, and said to me, ‘I have very serious information concerning us. One of the employees at the bar informed me that your ex-boyfriend died of AIDS.’ I immediately became quiet. I became totally numb from head to toe. I felt the energy escape from my body. I asked my boyfriend to repeat what he had said, and he replied the same information. Once again, I was silent. This can’t be true.”
“Yet this time, I felt this black cloud come over me,” Venus continued. “I began to feel all kinds of emotions. I was sad, but also fearful. I asked myself, ‘Why is he telling me this? What does he think? Can I? Is it possible? How could this happen? I should have known!’”
“What does this all mean? My mind was racing. I was trying to rationalize and process the information I had received. I became sick and nervous. My hands were shaking. I began to cry. After composing myself, my boyfriend suggested I try to get in contact with my ex-boyfriend’s parents to confirm the information. We talked for a little while. He recommended we go get tested for HIV. I was terrified. I couldn’t even think about it. I told him to first let me find out if this information is true or not. Under the circumstances, I proceeded to approach the situation with hope.”
Her life changed forever. Venus called her ex-boyfriends’ mom, ended up meeting with her that very night, and confirmed the news. After more dramatic twists and turns as revealed in her book, Venus explained that on the day she received her positive test result she concluded, “I had to decide whether I was going to fight or give up. Did I have enough fight in me to fight the good fight? I had to find a feasible method to give it my best shot. I didn’t want to give up. I decided I wanted to live! Even though the results were grim, I wanted to try.”
“Once I received my results, I called him,” Venus said of her boyfriend. “We discussed the results. He was negative, for which result I was relieved. As for myself, I was concerned. What would this mean to us? When discussing the results with each other, we realized that we were heading in different directions. We tried to work through the relationship. Unfortunately, the more people who knew about my situation, the harder it was for my boyfriend to deal with the stigma it had on me. He did not want to be labeled in the same way. As a result, he pulled away from our relationship, and he made up different excuses in every encounter we had. This was the response of the people in my life and the people who knew about my situation.”
“The news of my HIV status spread like wildfire,” confided Venus. “’Watch out! Here she comes! There’s that girl with AIDS! Don’t go near her!’ For ten years, I dealt with fear, anxiety, discrimination, stigma and loneliness. I was no longer accepted in my previous world. Many of my friends no longer associated with me. Some of my so-called friends would exclude me from their homes. They only invited me to outside catered events. They kept me at bay. I had to let go of my past life and adapt to a new one. I found my new life through God and my support groups.”
“In March 1987, I attended my first HIV support group,” Venus explained. “I arrived to the support group room, and there was no one present. I entered the room wondering what it was going to be like. What was I going to see? Would they judge me like other people? I entered and took a seat in the middle of the room. In the room, there was a beautiful picture of cool water flowing down a stream. As I gazed at the picture, I felt at peace. I knew I was where I needed to be. Other people finally arrived to attend the meeting. They were regular everyday people just like me. I don’t know what I expected, but I would have never known these people had this disease.”
“Nobody would know by looking at me that I had HIV,” Venus added. “We were newly diagnosed individuals with HIV (asymptomatic, showing no symptoms of the disease). There were fifteen people who attended that day. We all introduced ourselves. I cannot express how it felt to experience the long suffering and sadness and then the new found release. We shared painful experiences as well as positive approaches on health and nutritional options. We developed a caring family. A place we felt safe and secure. We developed meaningful friendships and relationships. We supported each other through good times and bad.”
That was 22 years ago!
Venus wrote and published the first edition of her book in 2006 to help those around her living with HIV who were having difficulty coping. With the recent edition, she’s added two chapters which speak about the history, testimony, education outcomes and strength of people living with HIV/AIDS & STD’s.
“Everyone has a light that shines within. My gifts and talents consist of singing, writing, and enjoying time with family and friends in addition to socializing with people. I always enjoyed people. I surround myself in environments and places where I can exercise my gifts. I offer to the world is my ability to learn and to teach others which involves the gifts of service. I try to be a positive person in the world exercising generosity, joyfulness, being hospitable and humble and reminding individual that their life counts. I try to be a positive influence in a negative world,” Venus concluded. And she is! For her books, please visit most online booksellers or her web site at www.VenusPerez.com.
This column presents stories of courage, strength and hope of individuals worldwide who are passionately involved in the struggle for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered civil rights as well as the battle against HIV/AIDS, demonstrating how these issues are inseparable from the overall fight for human rights for everyone. In addition, the column infuses travel and entertainment reporting into the mix to not only celebrate the freedoms that exist for many of us, but to contrast these freedoms against the dark realities of individuals living in more oppressed situations where sometimes their very lives are at risk. More columns...
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...Nicholas Snow, Singer/Songwriter
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